entry six

The cold was welcome relief this morning. The chill in the room helped calm me, as did the scene on the outer side of the large glass window. A breath of tranquility, and I took it into my lungs deep. And let it out slow.

Inviting tranquility of trees softly swaying and skies gray perfect. 

The surgeon came in and reclined the brown leatherish chair. Numbness entered my jaw with piercing needle. Again and again and again. Three small bottles- forced into flesh- taste of bitter anesthetic lingering in throat.

I listen to the music being piped through my ear buds- the music calming- and the surgeon starts his work.

It’s violent work- this incision into flesh and this cutting of bone. His hands are forceful- the pressure moves my head as the instruments bear down. A tooth being sawn in two and uprooted from home of living tissue. This breaking of bone from body.

Hours later I lay on couch. The boy-baby in belly squirms his frailness and I shake from pain and crippling nausea.

In through the nose. Breath in through the nose. I talk myself into calm and frantically grasp at strands to keep myself grounded there. The rain starts.

I remember laying awake into the late hours of the night previous. Smile slides onto face with graceful ease. The memory of the insistent rain the night before.

Roof of dancing rain. 

The debilitating sickness overwhelms my senses and un-beckoned tears roll down my cheeks. My mind swims in the present discomfort. I pant for relief.

The ebb and flow of pain- coupled with the pouring and subsiding of the skies- is all that fills my day. The hours rush haltingly, and the end is upon me. The jaw has tightened and begun to swell. Dread for the morning creeps around the hedges of my thoughts.

And I seek…

lumps of potato mashed in cheese and cream smooth

And with hunger pains at bay I prepare my weary body for a night of recovery.

For the mending of the brutally broken is made up of the patiently waiting on a deep and diligent healing.

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