I look in the mirror, and it’s there.
Stark. and red. And blaring.
from tens of different spots of imperfectness staring back at me declaring hotly, “not. Good. Enough.”
the little voice inside, it taunts,
“Hide your skin under layers of makeup.
Go ahead and bury your soul right there as well.
Don’t let anyone see the flaws… because then… that’s all they will see.
Wear the mask that best fits in with this world so that you can blend and merge and just right lose yourself in the all of its rush.”
Don’t stand out.
Don’t be different.
Don’t stand up.
Don’t speak out.
Don’t feel too deeply.
Because when you start to Love as Christ Loved it’s going to right Hurt real.
It’s going to Cost something.
It’s going to cost you…. every. thing.
I feel it when people say, “you have enough,” … “enough children,” “You’re busy enough,”
… that what they are really saying is, “you are not enough,” “you don’t have room for another child,” “There are others who can bring an orphan into their homes and be better than you could ever be,” “you don’t have the resources to support any other body outside of those living under your roof already…”
These dreams and desires of yours are too outrageous, too unconventional, too costly.
That there’s no way this vision seeded deep within is God-given.
And maybe that’s not what they mean?
That we have these places and dreams and ideals… and while I am going into the end of my twenty-fifth year of life does it seem ridiculously ludicrous to some?
That a child who is probably yet to be born is growing in my heart so ferociously loved?
That I know her name, and cry over her?
That I yearn for her?
And the truth is: the exhaustion of today is. real.
The tired, and sensitivity, and what is wrong with all these hormones all coursing rampant within me?
And the sickness? The one they draw blood for and can’t give answers to?
And so am I just supposed to up and give in and be done with the desiring and striving?
Victor Frankl said, “The root of anxiety is unfulfilled responsibility,”
And is this new surge of anxiety-strained nights the result of just that?
“If God has seeded us with a vision- we can do it, in Christ. There is nothing we cannot do. Nowhere we cannot go. You just have to play your one note, and I will play mine. And together we will play a song that sounds like FREEDOM to the captives.”
–Jen Hatmaker, IF:Gathering
And everyone says that I have enough… so then why do I feel this immense tugging on my heart for more?
To do more. To love more. To serve more. To empty myself utterly and completely? To just up and right SACRIFICE?
To redefine “comfort zone” to being in the presence of the Comforter.
To Love as Passionately as Christ, for the people of this world– and, as Ann Voskamp pointed out this weekend, the original meaning of “Passion” is “To suffer. (i.e.)- being willing to suffer for who you love.”
So what then should I give, do, relinquish, become a part of? … if it means even one person is saved? One person is no longer hungry? One person is no longer in sex trafficking? One person is no longer orphaned?
And you may think that’s hormones, but I’ve cried out the very depths of my dried up self over the orphaned and the gendercide and the evil of the selling of flesh as a commodity.
“Calling is nothing more than when your talents and burdens collide.”
“burden is informed by the life you’ve lived- by what has broken your heart,”
(Rebekah Lyons, IF:Gathering)
why then, when a person has clarity in this, do we not Champion them on?
In order for His Name to be made known… And His love to be shown…
Across. The. Nations.
I have this pressing sense of urgent desire–
An overwhelming, anxiety inducing, urgency deep within the marrow of me–
To. Do. More.
… what IF we became a generation of women who live like our God really is really REAL?